lost and found.

One year ago, I was a week into a new job, a new apartment, a new life. I was going out to follow a dream (a call?) I was aware that the commitment I had made would be difficult to fulfill, but I was prepared to live through the tension and the struggle in order to find my place in the Kingdom.

Today, I am again a week into a new job, two days into a new apartment, just starting out on yet another new life. I am learning to navigate being among people again – settling in to two new churches, building relationships, finding my way around.

But this move feels so much different than the last.

One year ago, my life was full of open ends and questions. What would my job be like? Who would my friends be? Where would I go next? Now, though the questions are the same, finding the answers is not so daunting.

Perhaps it’s because I am moving to a climate and culture I am familiar with. Perhaps it is because I am among people who care about me. Perhaps it is because I have gained a greater understanding of myself and my relationship with God.

Finding this life – this life that, despite all of the remaining questions, seems to work – did not happen without struggle and mourning and giving up dreams. But as I struggled, I learned how to persevere. As I mourned, I found joy in interdependence. And as I gave up dreams, I stepped ever closer to that place where my deep yearning and the world’s great need will find their intersection.

What does this all mean?

When I was in the darkness and searching for answers, I thought often of Jesus’ charge that we must deny ourselves, take of our crosses, and follow him, but I rarely, if ever, thought beyond it. “For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.”

As I settle into my life in Madison, I am still mourning some lost opportunities; however, I am also settling into the truth that all of that struggle and mourning and searching for self was productive, and was necessary – for only with that struggle will I be able to truly seek – and find – the Kingdom of God in our midst.

welcome home.

“It always comes as a surprise when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.”

A few weeks ago, I wrote these words that even then I did not truly believe or understand: ‘I am becoming more and more convinced that this search for God, for justice, for vocation is really just a search for home – a place where each of us can feel just rooted enough to stand firm through the storms of life.’

When I wrote those words, I was really trying to justify my recent choices to myself. To explain a decision that I was still convincing myself was the best option in response to my situation. I wrote those words to reassure the people with whom I was sharing that I wasn’t just running back to a comfortable place to settle back in to a passive existence.

And now, later, I am brought back to those words – and I begin to believe that they are true.

No place is perfect. No place will satisfy me forever. But for now, being here is right. Soon enough, I will embark on another adventure. The pendulum will swing back towards wanderlust and exploration. Eventually, maybe, I will settle into the perfect combination of challenge and stability.

For now though, it is okay to live with questions. Not just okay – living in tension and questions -  being grounded enough to live an examined life – is the goal.

Things I should do more often:

1. Blog. For serious. I have been extremely scarce and I don’t like it that way. “Journal” also falls under this category.

2. Hang out with kids. I dropped by the Monroe Street Fine Arts Center today to chat with the director about possibly teaching piano lessons there, and the little ones in the midst of their art classes were so cute, I couldn’t stop smiling.

3. Read. Read fiction, read my Bible, read magazines, read whatever. I miss reading. Lately I’ve been too busy either (a) worrying (b) hanging out with people [which is a find alternative to reading, don't get me wrong] or (c) traveling from point a to point b to get any substantial reading done.

But all in all, other than that big three, I’m pretty satisfied with my life right now. And, given the recent seismic changes I’ve made, that’s fairly remarkable.

Also I might be moving to an apartment on Pirate Island. Ahoy, mateys?